#9 Writemas: What Is Driving You?

I had a call with an old poker friend earlier.

We both have similar backgrounds; we are reasonably well educated, started poker around the same time, and never felt like we were enough.

Both of our poker careers were driven by insecurity.

We both had this desire to prove ourselves to the world, and we thought the best way to do that was to play one of the most competitive games in the world, where the results were measured by how much money you won. We equated our self-worth to our net worth.

That insecurity drove us to push ourselves to the top.

However, my friend admitted that when he was playing high-stakes, he was always on the verge of a shit-in-your-hand-and-clap breakdown.

I expressed similar sentiments.

The call got me thinking about why we’ve both had similar experiences.

And I think it’s this:

When the insecurity of never feeling enough drives your ambition, each failure feels like evidence that you’re still flawed.

It’s taken a few years of therapy, journalling and meditating to uncover all of this.

So every few months, I always check in with myself and ask, “Am I doing this thing because I want to, or is it driven by insecurity?”

My contrarian take is that it’s okay to be driven by insecurity.

Sometimes you have to use what you’ve got — fear, insecurity, anger — in order to drive towards the future version of you.

Conditions can’t always be perfect. It’s going to take me a long time to resolve my issues.

I started my coffee business because I wanted to prove someone wrong.

It’s obviously not ideal, but it showed me that I could do something that I previously thought wasn’t achievable.

Has starting Bloomstory come from insecurity or a place of genuine want?

I like to think it’s finally coming from a place of genuine want.

Speak to you tomorrow,

Jason.